People seriously cannot drive on snow, this is a fact. Here is my list of drivers to notice, be aware of, and avoid while going about your business in this winter wonderland:
*Fishtailer - This person is typically driving a small pickup and has not put sandbags in their bed, yet they think that they are a top dog like the 4x4s. The truth is little guy, you're not. Just because you have a truck does NOT mean that you can be all willy-nilly along this icy road, son. Suggestion: Get some sandbags and get out of the way. Or get a fat chick to ride back there, also an option
*Indy Racer - Guess what? Snow is slick. That is a fact. No lie. Here is another truth: going really fast on ice makes you skid all over the road. So stop. Take your little rice-burner Honda, grab a chill-pill and cool it man. You're not as big of a BA as you think you are when there's ice on the road are you?
*Soccer Mom Wannabe - This is typically a small blonde woman driving a vehicle the size of a house (Hummer) that she probably shouldn't be driving at all. Did I mention that she'll still think that she can talk on her cell phone, do her nails, check out her fake tan in the rearview mirror, and watch a Legally Blonde DVD on her dashboard too? Suggestion: You're not a soccer mom, so stop trying to be - heck, you're not even a mom. Chances are you're trying to impress someone who's not even watching because he's in bed at his messy apartment sleeping off a hangover.
*Ultra-Mega Sunday Driver - An Ultra-Mega Sunday Driver is someone who is a Sunday Driver everyday anyways. Usually has grey hair (or no hair) and is currently living off the Social Security that is taken out of my micro paycheck every month (you're welcome, btw - now buy me something good for Christmas!). Not only should this person probably not have a license in the first place (don't you have to pass an sight and sound exam?? Or would that make too much sense?); but now they have put on their caution pants and are cccrrraaawwwlllliiiiinnnnnngggggg down the street at the pace of a frozen turkey dinner. Advice: Move it or lose it, grandma!
*Braker/Whiplasher - This might be my least favorite person of the list. They brake at every little bump in the road giving themselves (and the people driving the 12 cars behind them) whiplash. Now, I do understand being cautious, I really do. But every single little bump? I mean c'mon its usually just a crack in the poorly constructed road, roadkill, or a freshman. So give those brakes a break and keep truckin!
*Wideloader - Are you in the left lane or the right lane? Maybe you're just happy you're headed in the right direction, I don't know. But please, please choose a lane, man! Option 1: Place a "Wide Load" sign on the back of your car. Option 2: Place a "Student Driver" sign on the back and top of your car. Option 3: Stay home. But, if you must be 'oot and a-boot' (that's with a Minnesota accent) and you will not choose option 1 or 2, at the very least choose a lane, mk?
Hopefully this list helps you recognize these crazies that appear behind the wheel as soon as the snow hits the pavement, so that you can avoid them and their wild antics. Feel free to comment and help add to this list.
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